Tuesday, June 29, 2010


President Obama has announced that he wants his Supreme Court Justices to have empathy.  Kinda like Oprah, except with a law degree.  Okay.  How do we resolve the abortion debate, with empathy?

First thing you do, is censor all images of aborted babies from the media.  Cause we don't want to upset anybody.  So no aborted baby in the New York Times, or the Washington Post, or ABC news, or CBS or NBC or 60 Minutes or CNN.  Even Fox News is on board.  No dead baby photographs.  None.  Stop it.  Shut down the internet.  Oh that rude internet.

And no dead baby jokes.  Outlaw all dead baby jokes.

"How do you keep a dead baby from falling down a manhole?"

"Stick a javelin in his head."   

You're upset, right?  I upset you.  I know.  Not enough empathy.  This is why Obama's not nominating me to the Supreme Court.  Can you imagine an abortion opinion where the Supreme Court told dead baby jokes?  No legal analysis.  No thoughtful opinion on our abortion jurisprudence.  Just a dead baby joke, a dead baby joke, and a dead baby joke.

"Why do dead babies have soft spots in their heads?"

"So you can pick them up five at a time."

It's kind of like Justice Stevens' little joke in Carhart I:  "A lot of ink is spilled today..." 

You know, empathy is good.  I think we should all work on being more empathetic in our private lives.  But since empathy requires you to self-censor and avoid saying what you think, it is a very bad trait in a public speaker.  We don't actually want a journalist, a lawyer, or a Supreme Court Justice to be so empathetic that they keep the truth to themselves.

Harry Blackmun, very empathetic guy.  In one abortion case, Webster v. Reproductive Health Services, Harry says the Court "casts into darkness the hopes and visions of every woman in this country."  Man!  Even Sarah Palin?  One thing about Harry, he's a feeler.  He was Bill before Bill was Bill.  He's our Supreme Feeler.  Feeling across state lines.  Feeling from Alaska to Maine.  All Bill could feel was your pain.  Harry can feel your hopes and visions.         

Not being an empath, I'm not sure how this works.  Apparently the unborn are not transmitting any empathy signals.  Are you sure, Harry?  Yes.  Of course he's sure.  No doubts at all.  Women, on the other hand, definitely are sending out empathy signals.  "Help us, Harry."  And Harry's picking them up on the ol' radar.  He speaks for all women, their hopes and their visions.  Their dreams too?  Yes, of course:  hopes, visions, and dreams. 

How many babies did you kill, Harry?  "We need not resolve that difficult question."  Yeah, yeah.  And what a mean question!  I have no empathy.  

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