Harry Loses His Mind, Part II

In Webster v. Reproductive Health Services, Harry Blackmun writes, "I remain convinced, as six other Members of this Court 16 years ago were convinced, that the Roe framework, and the viability standard in particular, fairly, sensibly, and effectively functions to safeguard the constitutional liberties of pregnant woman while recognizing and accommodating the State's interest in potential human life." In other words, everybody agreed with me 16 years ago, but now we have more and more right-wingers who are unhappy with my opinion. And that's ridiculous! Because I am fair and sensible and my opinion is effective, damn it.


"The viability line reflects the biological facts and truths of fetal development..." Huh? What biological fact? What truth? Why is viability important? He still doesn't know.

"...it marks that threshold moment prior to which a fetus cannot survive separate from the woman..." You know if you abandon a baby in the woods he's not going to survive, either. Babies are weak, man. And when is that threshold moment, anyway? Abandon a newborn in the woods, see if he makes it. Maybe he'll be suckled by wolves, like Romulus. You know that's a threshold moment. Woo-hoo, wolf milk! You can't kill me, I'm a Roman now, I'm surviving on my own. I'm running with the wolves, mama.

"...and cannot reasonably and objectively be regarded as a subject of rights or interests distinct from, or paramount to, those of the pregnant woman." Wow. He's claiming that the baby is a part of the woman--like a really valuable kidney, Laurence Tribe once suggested--and has no interests distinct from his mother. If she doesn't want him to be alive, the baby doesn't want to be alive, either. Cause the baby has no interests separate from what mom wants. If she wants him to kick, he kicks. If she wants him to stop kicking, he stops kicking. You know what? That baby's a slave. He has to escape his owner--get out of the womb, buddy--and then his humanity will be recognized. The womb is South Carolina, and an incubator is Maryland. Run! Run for the incubator! We need an underground railroad to get some of these babies into incubators.

"At the same time, the viability standard takes account of the undeniable fact..." I don't know what he's going to say next, but 10-to-1, I deny it. 100-to-1.

"...that, as the fetus evolves into its postnatal form..." That's the most bizarre description of a birth I've ever read. "Honey, honey, the fetus has evolved into its postnatal form! And it's a girl."

"...and as it loses its dependence on the uterine environment, the State's interest in the fetus' potential human life..." Damn it, I thought she was born. Once you're postnatal, you're pretty much a baby, right? Even in Blackmun World. How did she become a fetus again? What did she do, climb back in? And if she never left the uterus, that doesn't even make sense. How can you lose your dependence on the uterine environment while you're still in the uterus? Who's feeding the baby? I am so winning this bet.

"...becomes compelling." Compelling to whom? What if a state isn't compelled at all? What if California goes full-fledged pagan, and they start killing newborns? Using, I dunno, Supreme Court viability theory. What if you prove too much, Harry? You baby-killing maniac.

You ought to re-read your secret memo, just to remind yourself what you were actually thinking when you wrote Roe v. Wade. Because all your moral and legal certainty--no mistakes were made, it's undeniable, I am so right--is a reaction to the reaction. Pro-lifers say you killed some babies, and you, getting rather hysterical, insist that is not possible.

Maybe I'm wrong, you know? I admit I might be wrong. I like total brain death because all 50 states like total brain death, and I want us all to be happy. But maybe I'm wrong. I'm not wrong on the baby-killing issue--baby-killing is evil, you pagan fuckheads--but I might be wrong on exactly when death occurs. Okay. I admit it. Are you willing to admit it, Harry?

If your opinion in Roe is so factual and true and reasonable and objective and undeniable and compelling, why are so many people unhappy with it? And there seem to be more and more of us all the time. These lying, false, unreasonable, subjective, denying and uncompelled people seem to be voting and sending lying, false, unreasonable, subjective, denying and uncompelled people to the Supreme Court. How does this happen? Oh my goodness, unreason is spreading. It's the dark ages. Unreason is riding on the backs of rats, spreading its filth into America.

Yes, that sounds sane. Somebody needs a bigger candle.